Paparazzi

Volksferatu

07.24.24

It was a white room. With one tiny window high above me. The air was heavy and my limbs were weak, my engery was being drained constantly as I sat there pondering my woes, like a tick on the back of my neck. As my eyes wondered around the room, they arose back to the tiny window which was now getting bigger, and bigger. My eyes lit up with curiosity and fear. I stood up and approached it. The window was now as a big as me, a giant glass dome, an eye looking out beyond the white room. I could not look you see. Who in their right sane mind would not look beyond the white room? The room where your whole life has been, where you have none nothing but awaking, sitting and sleeping. I looked through the window. I peaked behind God’s curtain and I saw it. A golden being so large it went beyond my horizon. Faces wraped around each other. Large spheres varying in hues of unknown liquids, swirled around in this infinite space. All set in the same blank white room. As I was taking all this in, one of the beings eyes opened and it connected with mine. Our eyes locked and I saw everything, everything that ever was, that ever will be and that never will come to pass. My vision narrowoered. I saw him. I looked closer into the beings eye. I traveled into it. Closer. I saw him. I saw me, myself staring at me. I locked my eyes with me and then my mind broke.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

My eyes ripped open like a blade slicing through skin. My eyes started to water and close. “No” I told myself. “I have a date.” I muttered out loud to nobody as stirred from my car seat. I seemed to have passed out in my car before my date with Amy. I still cant believe I managed to swing a celebrity of all people. Amy Crisis. An up and coming artist which cultavted the hearts of all who looked upon her, men and women and yet she choose me out of everyone. Why? I am not special, I don’t have a talent, hell I’m not even that tall. I’m under 6ft if you are so curious. I have a mediocre job and I spend my weekends drinking myself to death. What does she see in me? I dig my fingers into my eyes to massage them and open my car door to step outside. The wind was cold but there was a lot of people going in out of the “Super Mall USA” the newest comlgraiment in town. Seems like my tiny town in the middle of bumfuck nowhere is finally getting a bit of civivaltion deivlered to it. Maybe we can finally get some wifi. I close my car door and check my social media. One message from Amy. “I’m waiting”. Even through these dry texts her tone is unmistanable…heartless.

Why is it just as cold as it was outside as it is inside this consumer zoo? I wrap my hoddie around me to keep my body heat as I walk towards the main lobby. Loud voices, meaningless converstations and emotions all swirl around me in a cascade of doltroums and headaches. There are too many people and I start to get oversimulated again. I drap my hoodie up on my head in an attempt to block out the noises. I walk faster. Faster. Faster until

“Hey dickhead!” the voice comes first then the punch to the shoulder. It connects hard. I turn in shock to see Amy, with an upset look upon her face. I only see her like this when she is not in front of a camera. Always smiling. Always hiding something but not now, now she is unbourding herself on me…and I think shes beautiful. “Do you have any idea how long I have been waiting here?” She jabs me with her blue finger nails. “All alone in this widespread mall…I coulda been kidnapped!” She stomps her foot. “Don’t tell me you fell asleep again. Elliot you need to get your sleeping schedule in order.” She touches my arm. This dance again. “I care for you…but not that much that you will let other things in the way of our date today. Do you even understand the responablities I have? I know you…” I don’t mean to drown her voice out but I can’t help but start to look around. I look for them again. They are always here. The paperzrai. Always hiding out of seight and taking flashes pictures of Amy as she goes on with her day. I guess I could understand why she feels the need to take everything out on me. Is this my purpose then? To be her human skinned dairy? She quickly turns on her heel and looks me into my eyes. Her blue eyes and blond hair frame her face perfectly. Her lips were full, cheeks thin and her eyes are sharp, even without the makeup, as sharp as a scarfical blade on an alter, oh I would sacrifice my soul for her eyes. Her eyes focused on me like a t4i focusing its lense on its subject. “So what are the plans for today?”

“Plans?” I squewked

“Yes…it’s a date right. What are planning to do to me?” I planned on loving you but that might be too strong an answer for a first date. “Food…games…movie?” I said with the bare minimum of confifidnec that I could muster. Obivisouly displeaded, Amy clicked her tongue and said “accepetable.” Before turning away from me and leading me on to a place of her choosing. Before following her, I looked around to see them again, the parasites, the camera men looking for a quick buck, the paperzi. They were like maggots on the underside of a corpse, always feeding, always taking, always hungry but never giving. These voyers kept following us as we walked throughout the mall. Flashes of a camera occusiional striking Amy and its rebound glow stunning my eyes slightly. Thoughts of violence started to creep inside me. The things that I would do to these bugs…but I seethed in silence as we walked close by. We walked for some time, exchanging meangingless small talk, growing disinterested with each other as the moments move on until we across a store with no door but a black drape hanging over it. This place looked weird. Completely different from the rest of the stores here. While everything else was shiney, new and looked like steel chrome, this store looked old, decripte and not like it belong here. “We should…hey!” before I said anything Amy walked inside. I followed, with hesitation.

The smell was musky and it felt like I was walking through sand, each step leaden my feet and forced me to slow down. There was no clerk, no color only a black library filled with acient books. All the books looked the same, all black tomes, filled with cobwebs and dust. Something in my head told me not to look at any of these books, to leave, to leave Amy right now and stop this journey. Amy? Has long has it been since Ive seen her. I scanned around the room, the black void at the end of the room felt like it stretched for infinity, an obisiden torrent of hate and bile, of anger and blood. Something kept calling me to it, a voice was sining out to me, begging me to peak. But as I took one step…Amy walked out from the darkness with a benile smile across her face. I have never seen that smile before. There was something off putting about it. She had a black tome under her arm. She walked closer to me and grabbed my hand in hers and squeezed it gently. She looked at my eyes with hers. Her eyes were now black pits obsiden. So beaitful. “Come love” she said never taking her eyes off of mine and they led me out of the Black Library    

Being outside felt so good. Like taking off a bag that somebody drapped around your neck to suffcaote it, it felt good to breathe again. Amy was still holding my hand and her eyes were still black. She also seems to get slightly shorter. As I menotined before I was less then 6ft tall and that was red flag for Amy seeing as she was just as tall as I. “My man needs to be taller then me when I put my heels on” she used to tell me. So why was she getting smaller, chaning? Am I imaginging it?

Our first stop was getting food. Fish food, sea food, sushi. My anxiety started to flare. We walked to a dingy asain resutatnt a few feet from us. Strange I did not notice this place before. As I looked back the black archives where we just came from was no more. It was a closed shop with barcidaded doors, allowing access to nobody. So how did we just come from that horrid place, did I day dream it? Amy snapped me back into realilty by squeezing hard on my hand. I let out a small yelp of pain, she turned around and smiled deeply at me. Her blue iris eyes of a sparkling sea, replaced by a black fog which seemed to ebb and flow as I gazed into them. They were so beaitufl, I was meszmeroided by this enity. They pulled me into the resturatnt, me offering no resitence. The place was small, poorly light and smelled foul but there were few people here and we took a seat at the far corner, away from the already small incubation of souls and lights. We began to talk and our converstations now differed widly from before. “What is the meaning of life” Amy asked me.

“What?”

“Indians think hedonism is the way to a fulfilling life, Christans think that serving God in body, mind and spirit is the way to a fulfining life. Egyptions…”

“think that we are realilty expericing itself. Without us there would be no existence and therefore no point in life. Ergo…”

“you are the universe unbound.” Amy finished my thoughts soflty with a smile.

“Why are we talking about this?” I asked. “You never had an intrest in the esoteric, it was always material things with you.” She tilted her head slighty as if not understanding. “I mean…it’s not bad I enjoy talking with you about those things, but this is just drastically different.” Different is an understatement. In the ushering of those words, Amy weaved her head forward and then flung it back like she was drying her hair and as she did, her golden hair dripped down like ink in the rain, washing away the golden guck to a enthralling, raven black hair, which knelt down by her chest. Her haircut was different now too, a shape of a black heart framing her face making it impossible not to look at her. Tears welled up and dripped on to her face, but not randomly, they dripped and formed silver studs and balls around her face. Her tears were manfisting into piercings. A large nose ring like one of a tribal witch, three ball pericings on each side of her nose, a cheek piercing and too many ear ones to count. Voices began to whisper in my mind. Too many voices began to shout in my mind. While watching this transformation take hold in the dark space, I didn’t even notice our server coming by. “What can I get you!” she said in a perky voice and silence came back. In my doltrom I fell back on my usal order. “Califorma roll” I answered shakely and Amy giggled, giving me this funny face as I ordered. “And an eel roll please.”

“Cerentily sir” the server said in a fake smile and tone of voice. “and for the lady?”

“I’m not a lady” Amy said. The server looked up from her paper in confusion. “Ma’am?” she asked again.

“Again, I’m not a lady, ma’am or girl. I am the countless repitions of patterns, a construct of starts, the eyes of god and atoms of long dead starts formed as a way to experience this unvirse first hand. I just choose to be in this physical avatar right now.”

The server and I looked dumbfounded at Amy.

“…I’ll have the wonton soup, please” Amy finished handing the menu back to the server and smiling, genuilly. The young server, obbseually unnerved took both of our menus and left quickly. “The universe experiencing itself, the eyes of god?”

“I was just being dramatic, our earlier converstation got me in the mood to think.” They said as they flipped her hair back and looked me up and down. “You never answered my question Ellioit.” She ran a finger in a circle on the table. “What is the meaning of life…for you.” I waited on this and looked down. Until I looked back up at her and noticed that her attritire was starting to change. The colors were washing way, the vibrate clothes they had on when I saw them in the morning now turned to mirror the same clothes I was wearing. Black oversized hooddie, black oversized jeans and a tombstone bag. I started into the abyss of their eyes for a time, even as our food got here I kept looking at them. “To create” I finally said.

“The point of life is to create. Creavity is a gift from the universe, that and obssesable thumbs.” Amy smiled at that. “Each of us.” I say as I try to grab my sushi with my chopsticks. “Each of us…has…a gift…and a responsablity…damn sushi…” I tried to grab my food with my chopsticks while debating the meaning of life, it was going poorly. Amy was now laughing at my poor attempts, hiding her smile with her hand. I finally just stab the sushi through the gut and Amy lets out an exicited yelp as I bite down into the fish and start to chew. I sallowed as I conuinted my thought and started another fight with another piece of sushi. “Once we feel that spark of creavity, that note from our muse, once we see that lighting bug, its our sacred duty as humans to capture that lighting in a bottle and to shape it into our own whims and deliver it back to the audience with a meangful message…or just to show them something cool. What about you? What is your puporse in life?” Amy smiled again and effortless, gently picked up a piece of my sushi. “to experience” they said as they swallowed the sushi whole.

After our food we walked out to the last part of our day, movies and games. As we walked, we were wrapped up in each others mind so ferfevently that we accidneltly walked into the wrong store, twice! We found our way finally to the arcade. Amy’s appearance was now a complete opposite of what they were at the start of the day. But not just their appearance but personality too. They were no longer coarse and rude but sweet and inquisitive, instead of harsh and loud they were soft and gentle. Am I going insane? “Youre not” Amy said, as if reading my thoughts. “everything happens for a reason, everything that was placed infront of you was predesinted for you and it’s up to the deicisons you make you define your character and who you are?”

“Amy…what the fuck are you talking about?” My mind at its wits end of trying to piece this whole day today that I stumble and feel a hairline fractucte in my brain. The voices are coming back. I look around and see people, too many people, too many voices. They all start gnawing at my brain, at the flesh matter inside my skull. Like an animal begging to open a door, clawing it until its paws bleed and leave marks. I’m falling. I’m falling. I’m falling. I…stop. Amy holds me close in a tight embrace and all the noise leaves me. I hold on to them close, feeling a warm senesition fill me up. I stay in this position for which feels like an enitery, an entiry of bliss, of ecasty and the feeling of secerity. How I longed for this, I don’t want this feeling to every go away. Until it did. Amy pulled back and let go of me and I opened my eyes again. It was quiet. Nobody was in the acrade. It was just me and them. No there was somebody here. I felt a flash on my face, the flash of a photograph. I turn quickly to look behind me to see a figure darting away from my eyesieght. It was slow and cumberson and its humanoid body looked slighty bloated. I turn my head back to Amy and see they are already putting in coins for a guitar machine. “This is my favorite, I love this game!”

“Guitar Slayer? Don’t you already play an instrument in a band?”

“A band? If you mean this acrade then yeah I’m in a band. “

“What…but you are famous, a celebrity, you tour the world. Amy what do you mean your not in a band?” They sigh. “Elloit, I think we are getting close enough that you shouldn’t be using my government name. It’s a turn off if I’m being honest.”

“Amy…isn’t your real name?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me your real name?”

They turned to look at me. “You never asked.” They said as they started the song they wanted to play in the game. “Now stop romamanticizing insanity and play this game with me, none of my other friends ever want to play so I’m here alone usally. Which I don’t mind but its nice to have company every once and while.” They start to play the song and they play well. I can’t tell if Amy…or whoever this was is who they say they are or am I dreaming my day dreams again. Are they a world famous musician or are they just somebody who plays this game a lot and I’m the new player. The sound of conitous chords missing on the player two screen rattles me from my thoughts. I grab the guitar on the ground, lock eyes with the being next to me, smile and start to miss all my notes.

“I must give you an A for effort , but an F in excitation.” They said through a giggle. “Who else do you know that plays a rythmm game on hard the first time.” “Seeing as I always play alone, none expect me.” They say as we both wrap our hands around each others. “well you are not playing alone anymore.” I say with a sweet smile and we embrace each other again. We fall into the movie, alone, nobody in the theatre. Nobody in the concession stand ethier, did they rent out the whole mall for us? Improabable. It’s just getting late and the staff members were all on a break…yeah that seems…logical. Was logic even worth using when it came to matters of the mystic…and matters of love? Before the flood of thoughts drown me again, we find out seat at the top of the theatre and nestle in next to one another. I feel so safe around them, I wish for this moment to freeze, so I can lie next to this enity, this creature of black shape and abyss eyes. I do, I fall into a sleep and cuddle close to them. Pathetic. The man is suppose to be the one cuddling right? In the traditional sense. But there isn’t anything traditional about this. The movie starts and I fall harder to slumber, I get woozy and I start to whisper incoheartant ramblings to the creature that is coddling me. “Safe…tranquil…I wish to…”

“yes…what is it you wish for me love?” they ask.

“I wish to build a nest in your hair and live in it forever.” This sparks a giggle from the creature as they wrap their arms around my face. “becaful what you wish for, mortal.”

“Grace me with your name” I make one last request before my requiem, the creature brings their lips close to my ear, and bites my ear as they whisper “Alvaretta. Now you grace me with one more answer to my question, before your slumber again.”

“Anything…Alvaretta” I say their name with reverence. They smile and bite their lip, wrapping their leg around me. “If you could sacrifice everything in this world for knowledge, for experience unlike any other in mortal existence from now until the end of humanity would you do it?”

“No.” I answered drowsly. “I have too many friends, works and you to let go off here…would you?”

“I already did” they answered, as  I fall asleep, back to my white room.

My eyes open fast. Sweat trickles down my neck as I see we are back in the theatre. Alvaretta’s one hand still caressing my face like an aniqutie skull while reading the black tome book from the black archive. “Did I miss the movie?” I ask as I awake from my stupor. Alvaretta doesn’t look at me but finishes their passage in their book before looking down and smiling…meliciousalsly at me. It was dark expect our two seats. It felt like a spotlight was on me…on us. Like the unvirse was ready to us dance together on stage. “Are you ready to dance?” Alvaretta asks me. This was it. They were reading my thoughts. I stand away from them. “Who…what are you?” Alvaretta cocks their head the side again as if not understanding the question. “Who do you want me to be?” they say as a smile starts to form on their lips. This smile was the worst of all. A horrible smile. A smile of a predator finally caught their fly in the webs. They stood up. So fast and unnaruttaly it looked as if they were pulled up by a mulitide of strings. A dead puppet. Their mouth starts to open and a shriek escapes their vocal box. The sound waves wash over my body like a massage of razor blades. I start to bleed from various pores on my body, I turn and run. Run. Run away from all this. This is a bad dream. A nightmare. A sleep paralysis experience manfist in real time. I run out of the theatre and I see the mall. It’s no longer chrome silver but black. Blacker then the night sky, blacker then the pitts of taraeturs and waters of the Still Sea. There was no where to go. The long hallway stretched out into a black tunnel of hate and bile. A flash hit my face. The paperzai are still here…no I mean yes they were but it was changed. The mass of pazperi that tailing us before have now formed into one black mass of flesh. With multiaple sharp mouths, tenctlees which lash out at random objects and cameras floating from the surface of its skin underneath and each time a camera was flushed out, it took a picture and the monster shaked in delight. It was going around covering each of the buildings with its black ooze and voiliting all that was pure of color and light, my eyes followed this bloob of exerstaiton until my eyes landed on Alvaretta. They were standing the middle of the of the lobby, where we met at the start of the day. A few feet in front of me. Standing and looking at me. They got closer. “Why didn’t you kiss me?” Alvaretta said with tears in their eyes. “I…wanted it to be special.” I gasped.

“So everything I shared with you today wasn’t special enough for you?!” they rose in volume.

“I don’t…understand” I backed away. I felt something pushing me closer to them. Was it the darkness itself, was it…

“So me being myself wasn’t good enough for you?!” They were now a few feet from my face. Alvaretta’s face was a mesh of confusion, anger and sadness. I wish I could take it all away from them.

“You can.” They said as they took my hands into theirs.

“Will you give me…” they started

“What…” I asked with bated breathe

“Will you give me….” They repeated as they pushed their body up against me. I felt something moving the darkness behind me.

“I…” closed my eyes

“Will you give me everything.” Alvaretta said as they pushed their lips with mine. This was the dance that I felt before. It was exacsty, everything I ever wanted but was too afraid to give voice too, all my desires and impulises, they can be the one to finally give me what I want. What I want…what do I want. I…can’t open my eyes. I can’t open my eyes! Their lips melted into something slimely. I felt it going down my through. It felt like black ocean water being pouring into my, I tried so hard to rip my eyes open, to pull away from this monster. I couldn’t move my hands, I couldn’t run away, I was forced to be inimate with this creature, giving them everything that was a part of me. It was eating me alive. I finally ripped my eyes open, it felt like stitches being torn away. My eyes darted around. It was a black void, nothing around me expect…the black tome from before. It was on the floor next to us and its pages were being flipped by an invisbible hand. Fast and rough the pages were almost torn from its bindings. I looked up then at my partner. At Alvaretta. The real Alvaretta. It’s puiples were ink and black and large, taking up most of their eye space, from the center of those ink blots, streams of midnight black sky liquid was pouring like tears from a heartbreak. The ink was pouring onto me, into me, into my mouth. The liquid poured from their body into me and pulling me closer. I no longer chocked from the water and the liquid started to cover my whole body and seep its way into my eyeballs. I accepted my fate and pushed myself closer to Alvaretta, gently headbutting and nose fencing with her. I understood finally. My eyes communicated that I was ok with this path, to be apart of them, a part of the eyes of god. The black ink bolts of Alvaretta eyes responded gently in kind and I rolled my head back. My world became black as it spun in on itself. I felt my whole world disengratign and all the knowledge of the universe flowed into me as my simultiaton and time on this earth was over, I was happy to be a part of them now. To be aprt of the black void that lives in their iris, their mind and soul. Forever.